early this morning, i was making a list of all the things in my life that could possibly go wrong. then i ran out of internet time. (im using prepaid!) and i thought damn, that's one. smack dab in the face.

seriously, am scared to my wits. just wanna stay home and hide under the covers. this paranoia of mine however, refuses to be acknowledged as preposterous. the fates have hewed me down rather mercilessly these past few days. crying has become so tiring. only playing it safe this time. :)

so far though, only good things've happened. the pc is back! *yeehawym* anj, handing me a copy of her philo notes. *tangina,examnanaman!* jac, sarah, judith and choi asking me i didnt leave my wallet today. *youguysaredorks!hihi.* nina, telling me i look pretty in pink. *yeah!youheardthat?winkwink* jeff, hugging me from the lib stairs to the lib doors. *thanks,thanks,thanks* my friends coming over tomorrow night. *dang,ihavetostartcleaningthehouse* my mom and h for being nice. *sniff sniff*

wah! im hungry. and still tooooo lazy to go down and get the food i ordered for us. maybe later. if i remember. okay, im skipping lunch.

stupid laptop. won't even allow ym. need to again burn files and reformat. why does everybody seem to bail on me today? neither jeff nor benjo replied when i asked them if we're going babad. then there's the history groupmates. and the alarm clock. i mean, whats up with that, huh? look, blogdrive is even fucking up this post. pfft.

dreams of pink gerberas, please, just leave me alone.

h: ate... you're turning to a kris aquino!

ME: yeah, i know, :(

h: well, then do something about it! stop now cos mom cannot be cory for you, trust me...

p: dont say that. she can't be that bad...

h: im just saying, she will never forgive you!

p: geez. perfect, you're such a loving sister.

h: uhm, thanks... ;P

*

adam garcia: what's this some kind of kinky sensory deprivation thing?

p: haha. i love that guy.

h: well you're covering the television. how the hell can i see him?

*

h: the problem with you is you think you're cute.

p: excuse me. i dont.

h: see? i told ya.

*

i saw the tryk driver and paid him the ten bucks i owe. :) yeehaw. guilt free once again.

*

im finished with the papers already, im stress free once again. :):)

if there's one thing in this life im certain of, aside of course from the fact that we'll all die someday it would have to be that ---bad days are always followed with mean days.

imagine me taking a tryk without a single centavo at my disposal and you'll know what i mean. it was totally embarassing. i asked the manong if i could just pay him later cos i left my wallet at home. (bah.) but he snapped at me (bah. bah.) and i'd like to say i perfectly understand his reaction but we really couldnt go back cos i'll be late for class and we have an exam. i couldnt remember when i started crying, but by this time i couldnt stop. i volunteered to leave my id and my phone. something sarah and jr thought as stupid when i told them about later after the exam, tsk. tell me about it! but, to begin with, i wasnt trying to be smart, i was trying to be sincere. anyway, the manong was, i think, moved by my wailing (ack), he agreed for me to just pay him when i see him again. i didnt have to leave my phone. :) yay!

but the great cry baby me was still crying even as she got in the classroom. my classmates were all trying to console me by asking silly questions and joking about the whole thing... thanks choi, dondi, jan, jac and judith! well.. you know, mean days can also come with random acts of kindness. :)

postscript: two more papers before i can say 'im back'. tsk, walang katapusang iyakan... well what can i do, the only way OUT is through eh, di ba? di ba? alanis, is that you? :)

my heart is about to explode any minute from now. my life is going to be over. wahwahwah.

*breathe in, out*

but dont worry. i'll be fine. i hate exams and i have one in an hour. the one that was cancelled cos it was raining last week. pol- eco, i hate the subject! i skipped a few readings cos im so bagal. they're beyond heavy. the words, man, they're all aliens to me. i had to read every line like twice before i can move on. i could barely understand a thing. pathetic. i swear, you can laugh at me now. and i wont take it against you. *sniff, sniff* 

i also have two papers due 12 in the evening. :) haynaku talaga, some days are just too much for me. LIFE can sometimes be just too INTENSE! oh, wish me luck.

postscript: thank you anj! :P happy birthday criston!

i dont normally talk politics in this blog. but i really need help right now, and if you really LOVE (hehe.) me... choose a number and tell me why you chose that number... this is about the pork barrel issue. :) thanks!

1. the pork barrel funds should be phased out, but only gradually
2. the pork barrel funds should be limited to public works [or to education; or to health; or to any specific focus]
3. let the pork barrel funds remain, but set in place mechanisms to ensure that congressional discretion remains recommendatory
4. keep the pork barrel funds, but establish a monitoring and evaluation system
5. distribute pork barrel funds by political parties, but only for projects that correspond to clearly-stated party platforms
6. cut out pork barrel funds of senators, but not of the lower house representatives
7. cut out pork barrel funds of lower house representatives, but keep the ones for senators
8. allot some pork barrel funds for bureaucratic development
9. stop pork barrel for just one year [or even two years], to help cut down the national budget deficit, and restore it later, but with clearer guidelines
10. keep the pork barrel funds, but cut down significantly on the amounts
11. socialize the allocation, by distributing to the more needy districts

NO CUTE GUYS. tsk. who was i fooling? the cutest guy in my class would probably be bj. who's also an atenean. he's taking comm. and he happens to be a friend  of my benchmates, mic, mino and flip. :) he smokes, which is a major turn off. :X

hihi. on more significant matters, we got the results of last sunday's exam! and my score was just horrible. had it been really the lae, the chance i'd get in would be close to zero. the highest was 90, i got a 30. yikes! hihi. bj was worse! he got a 3! and he even had to pay to get the results cos he accidentally smudged a page in the booklet. hehe.

the whole morning was orientation time. or more appropriately, me (?) being terrorized by the review adviser.  she's this weird woman in her mid 40-s, wearing boots, claustrophobic, cool one liners, smart and weird (admittedly!). her undergrad course was bio but she's got an mba. she took the lae twice, she was having problems with her boyfriend on both instances and she considered exams as her great anti depressants. she placed 7th the first time and topped it on her second take.

and the catch was, in front of the whole class, she asked me what my impression of her was, and i told her i think she's freaking the whole class out. with her achievements and all. she doesnt seem like normal human person. she's just tooooo smart. and as the whole class already knows, my silly comment was followed by a series of anecdotes regarding our treatment of people who strike us different, her 15 year old 3rd year college daughter, revenge of the nerds and how we want to be weird if only to pass law school. 

bah. we're talking of the same girl who was laughing her heart out when i went to their officed and enrolled myself. the same girl who owns the review center. this same girl. she likes me sooooooooooo much, when lunch was over she called me to a seat and talked to me about the exam results, and why she thinks i can pass law school if only i'd take the review seriously. thanks for the push, miss. you're lucky im not pikon. :)  

karma came quick cos here i am alone at the house with no form of electricity whatsoever. my laptop's about to ran out of bat soon and im really scared. f*ck,

i dont know what other outrageous things the meralco guys outside our building are doing right now... but heck, its  9 in the evening.. and i really want a normal usual night. i deserve that too, dont you think?

i think the problem with me is... i can't say no. always yes.

like when luigi asked if was going with him to watch pinnochio at greenbelt tonight cos jules was already selling us tickets, and i said YES without having the slightest idea why. well, i told him i'd try. which technically is not a 'yes' but more certainly not a 'no'! i couldnt get myself to say a two letter gadham word to save my sorry ass.

he texted me an hour ago, telling me he'll pick me up at 630. i knew i had to devise a really smart plan to excuse myself off the night out. so... i told him... my mom came over and we were on my our way home to subic. boy, im so bad at lying. i feel so horrible. luigi is a pretty decent guy. he's always been nice to me and i would have gone with him except that i dont think i can tolerate the company of the other org people. they're a irritating lot.

the point i think, now here i am, at the end ofthe day, alone. wondering what could have been of a saturday night. asking why i could not have just said no. trying to shake off the guilt. pondering ove the meaning of life. about to throw up.

i dont like this week. its ugly.

im drained. my eyes are tired from all the reading. and crying. i've had too much coffee. i can't sleep. i have zits. i have bouts of attention defficit disorder. and i cant even pronounce 'sherbet', right. i hate the feeling. its so bad i can't even start to describe...

*fit of tears*